


of mood disorders and boyfriends

by forbala



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bipolar Bokuto Koutarou, Getting Together, Haikyuu!! Manga Spoilers, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Abuse, angst if you squint, i am not good at angst but i tried, idfk what this fic is it's entirely self indulgent and i had fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:49:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24263872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forbala/pseuds/forbala
Summary: Bokuto shares a secret. Akaashi shares one of his own.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 6
Kudos: 107





	of mood disorders and boyfriends

**Author's Note:**

> I meant to write something really really angsty but...this happened instead. I'm so soft for them and I will not apologize for that!

“Hey, Akaashi!” Akaashi turned around from where he was dry mopping the floor after their extra practice. 

“Yes, Bokuto-san?”

“You wanna come over to my house this weekend? We can have a sleepover! We can watch movies and eat popcorn and stuff!”

This was…complicated for Keiji. He wanted to, for course he wanted to, but his crush on Bokuto was intense, to say the least. They hadn’t had a sleepover in a while, which was probably good because Keiji found it harder and harder to be around the other boy in any kind of intimate setting. Changing in the club room was hard enough, but to spend time at his house, eat with him, bathe with him, was overwhelming.

But he was weak, Keiji was so weak. How could he say no when Bokuto looked so excited?

“Sure. That’ll be fun,” he said. Bokuto whooped and Keiji reminded him to finish cleaning up so they could go home and eat dinner. Dinner was the magic word; Bokuto loved eating, he didn’t much care what it was, as long as he was eating.

They walked together as far as possible before Akaashi had to split off and change trains. Saying good night to Bokuto was always a little hard.

~

After school and practice on Friday, Keiji went with Bokuto to his house. He’d been over many times before and Bokuto’s mom was fond of him. So was his little sister Yua, a second year in middle school. Her moods were mercurial, more so than even Bokuto’s. Was it puberty? Or inherent to her? Keiji wondered if Bokuto had been like that too, if the way he was now was a less intense, more mature iteration of himself. He didn’t ask.

“Keiji-kun, I’m glad you’re here,” Bokuto’s mom said when they arrived. “Maybe I’ll get some rest with Koutarou distracted.”

“Mom!” Bokuto yelled, offended. Keiji smiled, small and amused. Bokuto was so funny, the way he got offended, but it never lasted. He didn’t hold onto the hurts for long. He was infinitely forgiving.

Keiji and Bokuto were given free reign of the living room and TV. They ordered pizza and ate too much, drank too much soda, ate too much candy. They put on action movies but talked through most of it, about volleyball and TV shows and manga and their classmates.

By the time they finished gorging themselves, Bokuto’s mom and sister were long since in bed. It was past midnight now, the house and the street outside quiet.

Bokuto flopped onto the floor and groaned. “My stomach hurrrrrrrts.”

Chuckling, Keiji poked his side. “You ate too much candy, you glutton.”

“So did you!” he accused.

“True,” Keiji admitted with a nod. He flopped down beside his friend and looked over at him. Bokuto was looking at the ceiling, so Keiji stared right at him, unabashed. It seemed Bokuto was thinking, so Keiji gave him time.

“Akaashi…” he whispered.

“Yes?” Keiji whispered back. He sensed Bokuto was in a weird mood, not his emo volleyball mode but something else. He was contemplative, quiet in a way Keiji had never seen.

“Can I tell you a secret?”

Keiji took a deep breath. “Of course, Bokuto-san.”

“You know how I get those bad moods during games?”

“Yes.”

“I’ve been…seeing a therapist. Mom made me go a few months ago.”

Keiji chewed on that. He didn’t know anyone who saw a therapist. It was taboo, a secret. Shameful.

But he didn’t want Bokuto to feel ashamed. He wanted to hear what he had to say. “Oh?” It was neutral, a signal for him to keep talking.

Bokuto nodded minutely. “She says I have some mood disorders. Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I guess it’s because of my step-dad, but apparently it’s genetic too.”

Keiji didn’t know anything about Bokuto’s father and this was the first he’d heard of a step-dad. Keiji wasn’t the prying type; he let people keep their secrets or not as they wished. It wasn’t his business. But he had wondered, of course he had. “What about him?”

“He was an asshole, basically. My mom finally divorced him when I was in middle school. He used to yell a lot and…hit us.”

“That sucks. It’s good he’s gone now.”

“Yeah.” Bokuto was silent for a long time. Keiji wasn’t sure if the conversation was over but he wasn’t sure what else to say.

Eventually, Bokuto spoke up again. “Can I tell you another secret and you won’t get mad?”

“Yes.”

“You promise?”

“I promise, Bokuto-san.” Keiji couldn’t be mad at Bokuto. It wasn’t possible.

“I cut myself.” That was surprising. Keiji thought only sad people cut themselves and Bokuto was usually so happy and high energy. Was it all a facade? He didn’t notice Keiji’s confusion and continued. “Not my arms, my thighs. That’s why I wear the ultra tall knee pads. They hide the scars. Are you mad?” Bokuto turned to look at him and Keiji saw fear in his eyes.

Keiji looked at him, so scared and vulnerable. “Of course not, Bokuto-san. You’re really brave for telling me this. I’m surprised, and I’m worried, but I’m not mad. I don’t want you to be in pain.”

“It’s easier to deal with the cuts.” He turned away again.

Keiji thought, thought about what he should do. How could he help? He didn’t know, he just didn’t know. He was so familiar with Bokuto on the court, he knew exactly what to do. But this was different. This was bigger.

He did the only thing he could do: he reached out and took Bokuto’s hand. Bokuto’s head whipped around to face him, stunned. “I’m sorry, Bokuto-san,” Keiji said. “I don’t know what to say or do. But I want to help, if I can. Just tell me what to do.”

Bokuto smiled and squeezed his hand. “This is good.”

~

Weeks went by and they didn’t talk about Bokuto’s confession, but Keiji kept an eye on him. When he got moody during a game, Keiji put his hand on Bokuto’s shoulder and felt his friend relax a fraction. They stayed late most nights after practice, Keiji sending set after set for Bokuto to spike. Every so often, Keiji would ask, “How’s it going?” and Bokuto would smile and say, “Fine.”

They had another sleepover, this time at Keiji’s house. They had dinner with Keiji’s parents and younger siblings, then bathed. They got the first bath, since Bokuto was a guest, and they bathed together because, well, they were friends and they bathed together at training camps and it was just expected. But it was hard on Keiji, it always was. Keeping his eyes to himself, he let Bokuto use the shower first, then washed himself while Bokuto soaked in the tub. When he joined his friend, he sat on the opposite side, despite how much he longed to get close.

After, they holed up in his bedroom and played games, ate junk food, talked too loud. A little after eleven, Keiji’s mom knocked and told them to keep it down so the family could sleep.

“Yes, ma’am!” Bokuto said, a whisper but a loud one. Keiji chuckled at him.

Eventually, they stopped playing games and focused on their conversation. It was getting serious, as it had that time at Bokuto’s house. Keiji wondered what would be revealed tonight.

“Do you like your therapist?” he asked.

Bokuto nodded. “She’s nice. But it’s hard. She gives me homework and it’s way harder than anything I do at school. She makes me think a lot about things I don’t want to think about.”

They talked more and more, soft, secret, sacred. It was agonizingly intimate and Keiji wanted more. He wanted to hold Bokuto and kiss him. He looked so good in the glow from the TV and Keiji was entranced.

“Bokuto-san, can I…tell you a secret?” he asked before he could stop himself. As soon as he said it, he felt his stomach sink, but at the same time, he felt ready. Like this was the right moment.

“Sure, Akaashi, anything.” Bokuto’s eyes were intense, boring into him, but Keiji felt safe. Protected by the darkness, and by Bokuto’s trust and confidence in him.

Keiji took a deep breath. He was ready, but he was still scared. “I like you.”

There. It was out. He’d said it and he couldn’t take it back, wouldn’t even if he could. He wanted Bokuto to know how he felt, even if Bokuto rejected him.

“Really?” Bokuto asked, obviously surprised.

Nodding, Keiji said, “Yes. I’d like to date you…if you feel the same.”

“You…” Bokuto gulped, looked down. “You don’t wanna date me, Akaashi. I’m all messed up. I’m difficult.”

“You’ve always been difficult. It’s never bothered me before. I like being around you, even when you’re difficult.” Keiji shrugged, hoping Bokuto would understand.

When Bokuto looked up at him again, his eyes were desperate. “Do you really mean it?”

“I do.”

Bokuto smiled and Keiji’s heart soared. When Bokuto reached for his hand, Keiji took it eagerly and squeezed. Bokuto leaned in, Keiji leaned in, closer. They hesitated, the whole world gone silent. Then, Keiji leaned in that last little bit and their lips met.

It was sweet and soft and perfect.

~

After checking with Keiji that they were official and openly so, Bokuto told everyone on the team. Loudly. Konoha cackled and punched Bokuto in the arm, the others merely smiled and laughed and congratulated them. Komi said, “Please don’t kiss at practice.”

“I make no promises,” Bokuto replied and Keiji blushed.

Having a boyfriend was a little weird, but dating Bokuto wasn’t. Bokuto was the same as always, loud and energetic, moody, caring. The only difference was they held hands when they walked to and from school, they kissed when they met up and when they parted. They didn’t tell their parents they were dating, and they kept having sleepovers, and they made out a lot.

While they were watching a movie (actually watching), Keiji curled up against Bokuto. Bokuto kissed his head before resting his own on Keiji’s, wrapping his arm around him. It was nice. It was really nice. Keiji felt warm and loved.

Sometimes, Bokuto would lay his head in Keiji’s lap and Keiji would play with his hair while they talked, or while they sat silently listening to music, or rain on the roof.

Bokuto’s moods rose and fell, and Keiji learned how to support him.

~

Nationals were coming up. Keiji and Bokuto barely had any time to be together with all their practices. They finally made it to winter break, but that didn’t mean they quit practicing. The team was on a break, but Bokuto and Keiji practiced in the Akaashis’ back yard. They bumped the ball back and forth, did drills, set and spiked, but it was relaxed. There was no pressure, they were just having fun.

On New Year’s, Keiji woke up early and met Bokuto at the shrine.

“Hey, babe!” Bokuto called as he approached. They clasped hands as soon as they were close enough. Keiji stepped in close and kissed Bokuto’s cheek, burrowed through his scarf to put his face in Bokuto’s neck. Bokuto laughed and hugged him, holding him until Keiji was satisfied and pulled away.

“Are you ready?” Keiji asked. Bokuto nodded and they started climbing the stairs to the shrine.

When they finished, they went to a cafe. Keiji paid for both of them, even though Bokuto protested. Sitting at a little table, drinking tea and eating rolls and sweets, Keiji felt at ease. It was a perfect start to the new year.

~

Nationals was grueling, but Keiji knew that. Bokuto was performing amazingly well through the whole tournament. He was consistent and energetic, with no mood swings. Keiji was proud, and a little scared. He didn’t think Bokuto was manic, but he couldn’t be sure. And he worried that a big drop might be on the way, but he told himself to just let it be, to enjoy his boyfriend’s good mood. When (no, if) his mood dropped, Keiji would be there to support him.

It was during the Mujinazaka match that Keiji saw it. He was stressed, worried about the score. Their ace was in top form and Fukurodani couldn’t seem to catch up, and Akaashi wasn’t supporting his team enough. He was starting to worry.

Bokuto scored and Keiji sighed in relief. And then he turned to his team and spoke.

“Up until now, I’ve been ‘the ace that is coddled by the rest of the team,’ but in a few days we’re all going to say goodbye to each other and go our separate ways, so it’s about time I became ‘just an ace.’”

Keiji couldn’t help but smile. Bokuto looked at him with bright eyes, ready to take on the whole world if he had to. Akaashi wanted to take his hand, but they were in the middle of a game, so he refrained. Win or lose, Keiji was proud of his boyfriend, his ace.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [](https://twitter.com/forbala_)! Please kudos and comment if you liked this!


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